Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#31-33)

Album production (mixing if you’re curious) has slowed me from writing nerd stuff for Ranker.com as much as I’d like, but I still manage the odd listicle. In fact, the mix in this group may be odder than the usual. You get some TV, some sports, and some comic book gore all rolled up with a dash of time travel.

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archervillainns#31 – Archer’s Greatest Villains, Ranked

With how messed up the main characters of Archer are, you forget how messed up the villains are. In fact, sometimes I forget who the villains are. Read this article and more sentences that end in a preposition to refresh your memory!

My favorite will always be Barry… or Other Barry. I can’t decide. What do you think Other Rhune? Oh, I couldn’t say, Rhune.

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jackierobinson#32 – Historical Sporting Events You’d Absolutely Have To Visit if You Owned a Time Machine

This list may seem impractical, but it is probably the most important list you’ll ever read. If, and when, I come into possession of a time machine, if I haven’t already, and enough timejuice to make my way across the space/time continuum, I’m going to be hitting up these games and matches in reverse order of the order they’ve been ranked in by you, the Ranker. My fate is in your hands. I’m especially looking forward to the inhospitable weather games. I can’t believe Jackie Robinson has been voted down so far. Who are you people? Who downvotes Jackie Robinson under any circumstances?

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sincitygore#33 – The 15 Goriest Moments in Sin City Comics

Ranker was on a real kick for lists about gore. So I told them that I know the Sin City comics like the back of my non-gory hand and took a crack at making this list. I don’t know how the roller-booting decapitation remains so low on the list, but I only have one vote to give!

Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#24-30)

There’s no better kept secret on the internet than the articles I write for Ranker.com… until now! One of these babies has over 2.4 million views. Millions! Which one? You’ll have to read to find out, but it has to do with sex and a TV show with a title that rhymes with Schmame of Schmones.

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-important-events-that-happened-before-game-of-thrones-even-started#24 – Game of Thrones Backstories that Happened Before the Books Even Started

This was extremely fun to write. It’s probably the second or third or thirty-ninth best (unofficial) prequel to A Song of Fire and Ice you can possibly read! Though practically everyone involved is already dead, readers seem to think that the whole Rhaegar-Targaryan-kidnapping-Lyanna-Stark thing will be a prominent storyline in the seasons to come whilst poo-pooing on Jorah Mormont and Mance Rayder’s storylines.
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Morrison#25 – The Best Grant Morrison Comics of All Time

I barely remember writing this one, but it’s all true. All-Star Superman has bubbled to the top, but my pick will always be The Invisibles and Morrison’s plea for a spiritual “wankathon” to keep the book from getting canned. It was my introduction to “chaos magic,” which I’m still not any good at.
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George-RR-Martin#26 – Surprising Facts about George R. R. Martin’s Writing Habits

Writing about how someone else writes their writings was one of the more grueling things I’ve been written to to write about. I can’t deny that GRRM is a quirky dude, but I guess I’m a quirky enough dude that I’m only surprised that he doesn’t have quirkier quirks. The most surprising fact about him is that he’s not more arrogant or precious about his baby (like the hacks that are currently ruining The Walking Dead). I also like his hats.
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efrem-zimbalist-jr-in-batman-the-animated-series-photo-u2#27 – The Best Alfreds in Batman History

Back to comic books, or at least, comic-book-based properties for me! I had kind of assumed that people would vote the movie actors up to the top of the list, so I’m happy to see that Efrem Zimbalist Jr.’s portrayal from Batman: The Animated Series has risen to the lead. Ranker rankers know what they’re ranking about.
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just-one-of-the-guys-photo-u6#28 – 22 Unexpected Nude Scenes in Movies

It looks like Jason Segel’s wiener is still holding down the top spot on this list. Boobs are downright commonplace, but a surprise wiener can be the most unexpected nudity of all. I originally posted uncensored images with the understanding that someone at Ranker was going to make black bars, but I guess they just went for bare-ly related screengrabs. I’m sorry, Mr. Skin, I have failed you.
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#29 – Game of Thrones Sex Scenes That Aren’t Even in the Books

This list appears to be non-voteable, which is a shame, because it could be ranked by scandalousness, egregiousness, or gratuitousness. But you know what? I don’t care. That’s because it has, at the time of blogging, 2.4 million views. If I had a penny for everyone of those views, I think I’d have like $24,000? I think it makes sense to amp up the visual intensity of a book when it’s being adapted to the screen, but these scenes have made some folks (who probably still wear buckles on their hats) get all huffy. I only get huffy over the ones that involve drastic character and/or plot changes.
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#30 – Game of Thrones Religions Worth Believing In

People are just not into the Lord of Light! Voters would rather turn their lips blue or be confused, beaten and blinded by the Many-Faced God than join up with R’Hllor, and I dunno, learn how to ressurect the dead? That seems cool to me, but I guess not everyone is onboard with burning children at the stake. Sign me up!
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Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (Lists #21-23)

It’s time for another Reader’s Digest for the weirdo-nerd articles I’ve been writing for Ranker!

diamond#21 – The 26 Reasons Diamonds are for Suckers

This is probably my all-time favorite. I like it so much; I’ve decided to turn it into a song on my next album. If you read this and still go out and buy a diamond, you’re a moron. I have no idea how anyone should vote on this list, because all 26 entries are equally good reasons to never, ever buy a diamond.
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the-best-spawn-action-figures-ever-sculpted-u1#22 – The Best Spawn Action Figures Ever Sculpted

This is some 3D nerd stuff right here. I’m happy to see that the top voted option is one that I own. People sure do like Spawn more than his Rogue’s Gallery, but I’ll always have a spot in my heart for Cygor, the man/gorilla cyborg with a monkey in his chest.

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default#23 – Every Time Mystique Impersonates Someone in the X-Men Movies

Wow, this was an emotional ride. For someone as wrapped up in X-Men lore as myself, marathoning the whole XCU was a trip. So much goodness; so much awfulness. Voting is disabled on this list so it can be chronological forever.
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Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (Lists #12-20)

The nerdery never stops. These are the listicles of the starship Rhunerprise, and they’re focused on comic books, collectibles, movies, and more. After they leave my hands, the millions…. and millions… (no, really, millions) of Ranker readers get to vote on the order, which is always interesting for me. Let’s see how it’s been going.

Worthless 90's Collectibles#12 – The Most Worthless 90’s Collectibles You Spent Money On

I got way into researching the rise and fall of Beanie Babies and was very interested to get to the bottom of why collectible prospecting became such a booming practice during the 90’s. Strangely enough, the item that’s been voted to the top was an afterthought for me. At the last minute, I decided to add an entry about the things people didn’t look at as collectible at the time, because, of course, those are the things that did become collectibles. I never should’ve parted ways with my JVC X-Eye (a bootleg Sega CD game console).
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Adult Comic Books#13 – 17 Grown Up Comics That Definitely Aren’t For Kids

This is a comic book list I was born to write! However, as I was researching it, I came to learn that I only know about the tip of the iceberg when it comes to adult comics. But whether they’re erotic, or violent, or both, these are the smutty comics that are actually worth reading. I’m surprised to see Bomb Queen taking the top spot, but I’m not surprised to see a personal favorite, Omaha the Cat Dancer, languishing near the middle. Furry soap operas aren’t for everybody.

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Sexy Superhero Scenes#14 – The Sexiest Scenes in Superhero Movies

They decided to take it easy on me and let me talk about movies. Finally, my film degree paid off! You might think it’s easy to point out sexy scenes in superhero movies until you’re forced to examine hundreds of them. It was grueling. I tried to be fair and include as many male moments as female moments, but the voters seem to have other plans. At least we’re all in agreement that Catwoman sucks.
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Sexiest Non-Superhero Scenes#15 – Sexiest Scenes in Non-Superhero Comic Book Movies

Once I’d finished the previous list, I couldn’t leave all this quality research on the cutting room floor. There’s a lot less non-superhero comic book movies, but since they’re not as heavily marketed to kids, there’s a lot more sexiness in them. Reviewing the voting on this list confirms something I already knew; everyone likes Eva Green’s knockers.
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Creey Superhero Sex Scenes#16 – The 15 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Superhero Movies

Noting my obvious expertise, the handsome gentlemen at Ranker asked me to add to one of their preexisting lists that needed to made creepier and sexier. I can’t argue with Howard the Duck making the top of the list, but I don’t think there’s enough appreciation for how creepy some of the things that go down in Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2. The fact that the comics are even creepier takes some of the edge off, I suppose.
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Crime Comics#17 – The Best Crime Comics to Ever Hit the Shelves

The best discovery I made on this list was Scalped. If you learn nothing else from reading these lists, learn that you should read Scalped. Voters agree, but not enough to outpace 100 Bullets and some classic Sin City yarns. Apparently, there’s not a love for Hunter, which is kind of a bummer. This might be my favorite genre of comics, so it was fun to punch up a good list of quality crime reads.
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Comic Book Prisons#18 – Comic Book Prisons Where You Wouldn’t Want To Do Time

Nobody wants to go to prison, but if you had to, it would be a lot more interesting to be locked up in a comic book prison. The chances of breaking out are just too good! I’m surprised that people are into Ant-Man’s personal prison, The Big House, so much more than some other classics, but I guess he’s hot right now.
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best-comic-book-bars-u1#19 – Comic Book Bars Where You’d Want to Get a Drink

The Hellfire Club has taken the top spot on this list, though I started it out with Kadie’s Pecos Bar as my #1. It kind of makes sense, because going there means you’re rich, and that means you’re going to be able to have a lot of fun including the mutant kind. Going to Kadie’s means you live in a hellhole that will probably get you killed. Personally, I’d rather pass on committing to any one bar and follow Conan around all the time.
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-female-comic-book-characters-who-are-smarter-than-you-u1#20 – Female Comic Book Characters Who Are Smarter Than You

My mom inspired this list when she asked me to name a female superhero who was also a scientist. It took me a little while to name The Engineer from The Authority and Fathom which made me realize how rare it is that comic books attribute females with intelligence. Given time, I came up with plenty of smart comic book ladies, but it still feels like they are the exceptions rather than the rules. Sage isn’t high enough in the voting, but otherwise, I’m happy with this list and it’s 100k+ views.
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Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (Lists #8-11)

I’ve been spinning out nerd lists for Ranker.com at an advanced pace, and falling behind on posts here! So I guess I’d better catch up. If you want to read them all you can click the tag for my Ranker recaps. Per usual, I’ll add my comments on how people have seen fit to re-order my articles with their votes.

biggest-retcons-in-comic-history#8 – The 30 Biggest Retcons in Comic History

This is a wonky one to vote on. I went with “Biggest” in the title so I could rank them based on their impact and influence on the world of comics. I’d imagine people are voting as much for that as they’re voting for “Best” and “Worst.” Some of these are awful things to have to read or even try to summarize (Xorneto), and some of them are fantastically well written (Supreme). A lot of the most important ones have risen to the top, but no one seems amused at the fact that WWE is reprinting comic books just to have CM Punk removed. I guess that’s just me.
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the-most-destructive-things-that-have-ever-happened-in-comics#9 – The Most Destructive Comic Book Events

This was a tough one to write, because comic book destruction is just so massive. I guess when it only needs to be drawn, it’s easy to crack open a script and write “So, our story begins when a planet gets blown up and ends with total galactic annihilation…” I had to reach into my (admittedly sketchy) grasp on space opera comics, because that’s where the worst things happen. This list also confirmed what I already know, which is that nobody in the world likes Irredeemable as much as I do. It’s the only entry with more than one downvote.
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promiscuous-comic-book-characters-u3#10 – The Most Promiscuous Superheroes in Comics

This was right up my alley! We toned down the title from “sluttiest superheroes,” but since male characters are still hovering around the top, we might’ve gotten away with it. Mystique has flown up from my original position, which I guess means that people assume that a hearty percentage of the sex in the Marvel Universe is Mystique duping other mutants. Meanwhile, Captain Dynamo’s gotten a free pass for his five children from five different mothers.
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vgreligions#11 – The Coolest Religions in Video Games

This was a little something different for me. I think my video game knowledge is pretty decent, especially starting around three console generations ago. I suppose you could call this my most controversial list, since just about every entry has a 50/50 split in upvotes and downvotes. I’d never want to join, but Unitology is my favorite, it’s so insidiously integral to the plot of the Dead Space games. If there’s any belief system I really embrace in real life, it’s the cosmology of Mass Effect. Get ready for the Reaping! I’m also a little sad that nobody likes the Lovecraftian stylings of Eternal Darkness: Sanity’s Requiem.
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