Songs I Bet You Never Knew I Worked On

Hey gang! Here’s a weird story about two songs that I bet you never knew I worked on!

the trouble with terkel poster songsAbout six years ago, I was commissioned to work on two songs for an English-language version of an animated film from Denmark. It was called Terkel I Knibe (Terkel in Trouble). The task was pretty unique. The movie had two songs that had been produced in Danish that needed to be re-sung, re-produced, and translated with as much humor as possible into English.  I got to see the whole movie, but more than half of the dialogue was still in Danish. A stream of bizarre, outrageous, half-understood, and obscene animated images paraded before my eyes so I could get a feel for the tone. And then I did the job! I made Americanized versions of “Mr. Cool” and “F*** Off and Die.”

SIX YEARS LATER

The movie is finally coming to America! It’s been renamed The Trouble with Terkel and has already scored a spot in the Tribeca Film Festival in New York.  It’s also making a west coast debut at the Laemmle Noho 7 on February 3rd at 10pm. . I’ll be there, and it would be cool if you were too! Be warned though; just because this is an animated movie about kids does not mean it is for kids. It is a hard R with some rau-au-au-unchy stuff. Raunchy stuff. The aforementioned “trouble,” that the protagonist, “Terkel,” is “in” is both disturbing and profound. But I’ll be singing in it for a couple of minutes, so it’s all ok!

tl;dr I made two songs for this movie that’s playing at the Laemmle NoHo 7 on 02/03/17!

For full details and tickets, check out the theater’s site: https://www.laemmle.com/films/41866


Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#24-30)

There’s no better kept secret on the internet than the articles I write for Ranker.com… until now! One of these babies has over 2.4 million views. Millions! Which one? You’ll have to read to find out, but it has to do with sex and a TV show with a title that rhymes with Schmame of Schmones.

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-important-events-that-happened-before-game-of-thrones-even-started#24 – Game of Thrones Backstories that Happened Before the Books Even Started

This was extremely fun to write. It’s probably the second or third or thirty-ninth best (unofficial) prequel to A Song of Fire and Ice you can possibly read! Though practically everyone involved is already dead, readers seem to think that the whole Rhaegar-Targaryan-kidnapping-Lyanna-Stark thing will be a prominent storyline in the seasons to come whilst poo-pooing on Jorah Mormont and Mance Rayder’s storylines.
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Morrison#25 – The Best Grant Morrison Comics of All Time

I barely remember writing this one, but it’s all true. All-Star Superman has bubbled to the top, but my pick will always be The Invisibles and Morrison’s plea for a spiritual “wankathon” to keep the book from getting canned. It was my introduction to “chaos magic,” which I’m still not any good at.
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George-RR-Martin#26 – Surprising Facts about George R. R. Martin’s Writing Habits

Writing about how someone else writes their writings was one of the more grueling things I’ve been written to to write about. I can’t deny that GRRM is a quirky dude, but I guess I’m a quirky enough dude that I’m only surprised that he doesn’t have quirkier quirks. The most surprising fact about him is that he’s not more arrogant or precious about his baby (like the hacks that are currently ruining The Walking Dead). I also like his hats.
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efrem-zimbalist-jr-in-batman-the-animated-series-photo-u2#27 – The Best Alfreds in Batman History

Back to comic books, or at least, comic-book-based properties for me! I had kind of assumed that people would vote the movie actors up to the top of the list, so I’m happy to see that Efrem Zimbalist Jr.’s portrayal from Batman: The Animated Series has risen to the lead. Ranker rankers know what they’re ranking about.
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just-one-of-the-guys-photo-u6#28 – 22 Unexpected Nude Scenes in Movies

It looks like Jason Segel’s wiener is still holding down the top spot on this list. Boobs are downright commonplace, but a surprise wiener can be the most unexpected nudity of all. I originally posted uncensored images with the understanding that someone at Ranker was going to make black bars, but I guess they just went for bare-ly related screengrabs. I’m sorry, Mr. Skin, I have failed you.
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#29 – Game of Thrones Sex Scenes That Aren’t Even in the Books

This list appears to be non-voteable, which is a shame, because it could be ranked by scandalousness, egregiousness, or gratuitousness. But you know what? I don’t care. That’s because it has, at the time of blogging, 2.4 million views. If I had a penny for everyone of those views, I think I’d have like $24,000? I think it makes sense to amp up the visual intensity of a book when it’s being adapted to the screen, but these scenes have made some folks (who probably still wear buckles on their hats) get all huffy. I only get huffy over the ones that involve drastic character and/or plot changes.
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game-of-thrones-religions
#30 – Game of Thrones Religions Worth Believing In

People are just not into the Lord of Light! Voters would rather turn their lips blue or be confused, beaten and blinded by the Many-Faced God than join up with R’Hllor, and I dunno, learn how to ressurect the dead? That seems cool to me, but I guess not everyone is onboard with burning children at the stake. Sign me up!
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LAMPSHADE MAN: the movie

Look what I found on an old hard drive. Last time this was available on the internet, there was no YouTube (who I’m still mad at). “LAMPSHADE MAN: the movie” was my third-to-last student film at the University of Colorado.

A lot of people ask me, “How did you get that damaged film look?” My answer remains, “I shot it on film and then I damaged the film.” It was a hand-wound 16mm Bolex camera. It was hand edited too. I actually had to tape pieces of film together. I wish I could say that I had all these great ideas, but really, it was my film school teaching me extremely outdated techniques. (Love you, CU!)

A lot of people compliment me on the music. The music is awesome. It’s by The Gravitones, the best band from my hometown of Loveland, Colorado. My band, The Vanishing, was probably the 9th or 10th best. Maybe lower. We were pretty bad. Anyway, all the music comes from the Gravitones 2001ish album, “Echolalia,” which I can’t find anywhere on the internet, but I’ve got a copy.

Finally, a lot of people mention how muscular I looked when I played Lampshade Man. That’s not me. It’s Jeff Slutz. He was in The Vanishing too. He’s an accomplished music producer, whose stuff I also cannot find on the internet. I had no muscles in college.

Zombiegeddon!

Not long ago, I wrote in this space, asking for people to send in their best zombie impression. The end goal was to create the backdrop for a “radio play” about zombies. “Zombiegeddon!” is the result, and the third track on American Chipfunk.

The dialog comes from a screenplay that I meant to produce as a film before I ran out of money. The brilliant voice acting and improvisations were provided performed by my sister, Emelie O’Hara, and her friends, Ian Tindell and Curtiss Frisle. It was a lot of fun to do some sound design on a piece that didn’t have to conform to the rigorous rhythmic standards of music.

Have a listen or download it for posterity:

Zombiegeddon! Lyrics Download

Everybody loves zombies now. Film studios love them because they’re cheaper than dragons. Horror fans love them because of their uncanny resemblance to the living. Christians love them because Jesus was one. I love them because I really think I’d be happier in a post-apocalyptic zombie world. In that world, when someone annoys you (and they’re undead) you’re allowed to hit them in the face with an ax. In fact, it’s encouraged. If they do turn out to have been living, you just claim that you thought they were a zombie! Sadly in the real world, you’re pretty much never allowed to hit someone in the face with an ax.

Now that even the morons in Hollywood have figured out that zombies are awesome, is it still cool to like zombies? Heck yes, but only if you’ve done your research.

Usually, I like to write a top ten list or history lesson with each of my song blogs, but that’s not gonna happen on the topic of zombies. Nope. Since I’m a zombie expert, you’re getting a top 30-or-so list of the best zombie stuff ever. What’s “stuff?” Anything can be stuff. Movies, comics, video games, 3-minute radio plays from my album, tv shows, you name it. I’ve even ranked them this time. Please feel free to disagree loudly and often.

My criteria for “what makes a zombie” can be summed up in two words: infection and resurrection. Here’s the best 32 things ever made about zombies.

32. Return of the Living Dead Movie The punk sibling of George A. Romero’s flicks. It has a naked zombie girl for most of it.
31. Resident Evil Movie It’s not the best of it’s breed, but it sets the tone
for it’s superior sequels.
30. Resident Evil 5 Game The best looking zombies in game history.
29. Day of the Dead (Remake) Movie This one got bonus points for taking place in CO.
28. House of the Dead Game No arcade is complete without this cabinet and it’s two plastic guns on wires.
27. Resident Evil 2 Movie Basically, it’s the first movie expanded to a
citywide scale. Monsters are horrible though.
26. Dead Snow Movie Not the most sensical zombie film, but the zombies are Nazis. So there’s that.
25. Pandorum Movie I’m still not sure this fits the genre, which is the
only reason its this low on the list.
24. Resident Evil 3 Movie The third time was a charm. It’d be nice if the trend continued for the fourth.
23. I Am Legend Movie They screwed up the ending.
22. Dead Space Game This is a borderline genre call as well, but it’s so
damn good. Possibly the scariest game ever.
21. Thriller Music Video Normally, I don’t like when zombies dance. Did you know Michael Jackson’s in this?
20. I Am Legend Book It’s much better with the original ending, because
then the title actually makes sense.
19. Undead Movie Few have seen this Australian comedy, which sucks. Its almost as good as Shaun of the Dead.
18. Resident Evil 4 Game Re-invigorated the survival horror and zombie genres.
17. Dead/Alive Movie The bloodiest movie ever. Works for me.
16. Dead Rising 2: Case Zero Game This mini-game sets the table for Dead Rising 2, which could compete for the top spot on this list.
15. Land of the Dead Movie Romero’s take on classism in the USA.
14. Zombieland Movie It’s not perfect, but it’s a decent training video
for the actual zombie apocalypse.
13. Planet Terror Movie Robert Rodriguez’s zombie apocalypse not only has great zombies, it has great characters.
12. World War Z Book This book is the definitive work on how it will all
go down on a global scale.
11. [Rec] Movie This Spanish movie is the Blair Witch of zombie films. It was remade poorly by Americans.
10. 28 Weeks Later Movie This sequel is great because it’s about screwing it all up after we defeat the zombies.
9. Dawn of the Dead Movie The classic satire on American consumerism.
8. The Walking Dead Comic It’s not even finished yet, and it gets 8th place.
7. Left 4 Dead Game This was the first simulator to really get it right.
If everyone played it, we’d all be ready…
6. Left 4 Dead 2 Game ..and this is the definitive simulator. I practice
once or twice a week, just to stay sharp.
5. Night of the Living Dead Movie Simply put, Patient Zero.
4. 28 Days Later Movie This is the most hardcore zombie movies get without being Italian and unwatchable.
3. Shaun of the Dead Movie More than a comedy, it’s a zombie amalgamation, a zombgalmation, if you will.
2. Dawn of the Dead (Remake) Movie I’m sure people will disagree, but for me, this one summarizes the genre perfectly.
1. Dead Rising Game Every facet of the zombie apocalypse you could ever want to explore and it all fits in the mall.

Drunk Girls (And the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time)

It’s time for another song blog. This time it’s for “Drunk Girls.” My sister says that this song makes me seem creepy and that I shouldn’t play it, but whenever I ask my girlfriend which song I should add to a setlist, she says, “Drunk Girls.” Have a listen and decide for yourself:

Drunk Girls Lyrics Download

And don’t forget that all my music is now available on a “name-your-own-price” basis. That means you can download and listen for free, or pitch in a little money so I can afford rent and ramen.

For the studio version, I wanted to sound super shallow. I’ve always admired the blatant shallowness of Cobra Starship, so I tried to imitate their dance-punk groove. I also laid on the auto-tune, because as we all know, there’s no cheaper trick in the Pro Tools bag than auto-tuning the life out of your voice.  It is one of my all-time favorite recordings, because it has the funkiest bassline I ever played. I wish they were all that funky, but the funk mothership only visits me every now and then.

I thought I’d make up a list of my favorite drunk girls to go along with this, but I didn’t get very far. In fact, it was pretty boring. I realized that the most entertaining drunks of all-time are mostly men. We’re just better at it. Sorry girls. It was going to be a Top 10 List, but one of the most entertaining drunks of all-time was a high school budy of mine who once vowed to be drunk for an entire spring break. I didn’t want to slander any non-celebrities. So, without further delay, here are the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time, in no particular order:

Tony Stark, aka “Iron Man” is the highest functioning alcoholic of all-time. He can pilot the Iron Man suit, invent pretty much anything and bed impossibly-figured women all while incredibly sloshed. His weapon of choice is usually Scotch. This theme was addressed most famously in the 1979 storyline, “Demon in a Bottle.” Will this theme be prevalent in the third movie, or will the drunken dancing in Iron Man 2 be the end of Tony’s drunken hijinks?
Gary was an actor hired by Team America to infiltrate an Arab spy ring. When he failed, his whole team got captured which led to an epic drinking binge. That lead to the most epic puking scene in movie history. Watch it backwards. In case you didn’t know, he’s a puppet voiced by Trey Parker, and he appears in 2004’s scathing satire on terrorism, Team America: World Police.
Mel Gibson is not a fictional character. However, he apparently acts like a fictional character even when he’s not acting. Mel’s drunkeness is entertaining like a car accident, because you can’t look away. Judging by the plethora of far-out sound bytes he’s given us, Mel’s creativity is super-powered by the silly sauce. It is not unlike the relationship between Popeye’s muscles and spinach. Mel comes up with turns-of-phrase that a normal imagination could never compose. Some people are surprised that Mel is a crazy, sadistic psycho, but I guess those same people never watched the last scene of Mad Max.
Meet Grover Cleveland Alexander, one of the greatest pitchers of baseball’s roaring 20’s. He played from 1911 to 1930 for the Phillies, Cubs and Cardinals. He won 373 games, which is the 3rd-most of all-time. Things really picked up in 1926 when the Cubs got sick of his drunkeness and sold him to the Cardinals. The Cardinals met up with the Yankees in the 1926 World Series. After winning Game 6 with a complete game masterpiece, Grover allegedly went on quite a bender. His manager called on him to close out Game 7 anyway, and when Babe Ruth made a base-stealing blunder to end the game, Grover recorded the series-ending save. These schnokered heroics were portrayed in the 1952 movie The Winning Team starring Ronald Reagan.
Terl was a Psychlo security chief with aspirations of great wealth. He used human slaves in a half-baked gold-smuggling operation in the film adaptation of L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth. Portrayed by John Travolta, Terl provided the film’s most entertaining moment when he got drunk and said that he was not groomed for “some cushy job.” I can’t explain why this is entertaining. You just have to watch this scene. “While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME!”
Harry Potter makes the list because I think that Horace Slughorn’s Felix Felis potion is probably just tequila.
It takes a lot of chutzpah to send a “fuck you” in a judge’s direction, even if it’s subtley painted. Lindsey Lohan is the kind of girl my song is really about, but not the kind of girl I would want to hang out with. Luckily, she is locked away so that’s not a possibility, though I wouldn’t turn down the chance to visit a women’s prison. It looks like a wild joint. She was more attractive before all the chemicals, but I have to admire her blatant disrespect for authority figures.
Trey Parker’s voice makes the list again, for my favorite South Park character, Randy Marsh. Randy drives drunk. He fights drunk. He rips off his shirt. He loses his pants. He re-enacts the Civil War blasted on schnapps. He “lracks disirplrine.” He spends his last dollar on a Margarita-ville Margarita maker.  His favorite liquor appears to be tequila followed by “beers to keep his buzz going.”
It turns out Lynda Carter was a big-time alcoholic. That’s not that entertaining, but I don’t need much of an excuse to post a picture of her in the classic Wonder Woman costume. Much better than the new one.