Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#31-33)

Album production (mixing if you’re curious) has slowed me from writing nerd stuff for Ranker.com as much as I’d like, but I still manage the odd listicle. In fact, the mix in this group may be odder than the usual. You get some TV, some sports, and some comic book gore all rolled up with a dash of time travel.

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archervillainns#31 – Archer’s Greatest Villains, Ranked

With how messed up the main characters of Archer are, you forget how messed up the villains are. In fact, sometimes I forget who the villains are. Read this article and more sentences that end in a preposition to refresh your memory!

My favorite will always be Barry… or Other Barry. I can’t decide. What do you think Other Rhune? Oh, I couldn’t say, Rhune.

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jackierobinson#32 – Historical Sporting Events You’d Absolutely Have To Visit if You Owned a Time Machine

This list may seem impractical, but it is probably the most important list you’ll ever read. If, and when, I come into possession of a time machine, if I haven’t already, and enough timejuice to make my way across the space/time continuum, I’m going to be hitting up these games and matches in reverse order of the order they’ve been ranked in by you, the Ranker. My fate is in your hands. I’m especially looking forward to the inhospitable weather games. I can’t believe Jackie Robinson has been voted down so far. Who are you people? Who downvotes Jackie Robinson under any circumstances?

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sincitygore#33 – The 15 Goriest Moments in Sin City Comics

Ranker was on a real kick for lists about gore. So I told them that I know the Sin City comics like the back of my non-gory hand and took a crack at making this list. I don’t know how the roller-booting decapitation remains so low on the list, but I only have one vote to give!

There’s No Tasering in Baseball!

A lot of people are up-in-arms over the recent on-field tasering at a Philadelphia Phillies game. To summarize, a 17-year old jackass interrupted the Phillies game by running onto the field, and in response, a cop used a taser to bring him down. Some people are in favor of tasing as it has been responsibly tested on sheep on meth, other people call this excessive force that can kill people. Personally, I am against tasing baseball field invaders and I will outline my reasons.

I am a baseball purist, a traditionalist, if you will. I don’t like the Designated Hitter rule. I don’t like Interleague Play. I don’t think Alex Rodriguez should run across the mound like a dickhead. I think Barry Bonds deserves an asterisk. I don’t think pitchers should be ejected for throwing at batters, especially Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds.

So when I see some 17-year old degenerate (or the fat-ass copycat he inspired) running around the field, I want to see them tackled. I want to see the security guards drive him into the ground. I want to see him eat turf… awake. I want to see him get speared with a shoulder to the guts.  This teenager was wily, but he wasn’t Barry Sanders. It would’ve taken another 15 seconds to bring him down the old fashioned way, and we would’ve gained the entertainment value of a proper slobber-knocker.

Field invaders also provide an opportunity to showcase proper tackling technique. As you probably know, proper tackling is on the decline in sports and everyday life. People don’t know the fundamentals.  Security guards should be role models and teach children to stay low and above all, “wrap up.” That means to use your arms in bringing someone down and not just rely on the impact from a shoulder. Wrapping up is the single most important aspect of tackling. How do we expect our children to learn to tackle properly if they see grown-ups simply tasing each other? Answer: They Won’t.

We will end up with a generation of children who can’t tackle and that would be the greatest tragedy of them all. So I say, let’s keep the tasers off the baseball field. It’s for the children.