Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#31-33)

Album production (mixing if you’re curious) has slowed me from writing nerd stuff for Ranker.com as much as I’d like, but I still manage the odd listicle. In fact, the mix in this group may be odder than the usual. You get some TV, some sports, and some comic book gore all rolled up with a dash of time travel.

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archervillainns#31 – Archer’s Greatest Villains, Ranked

With how messed up the main characters of Archer are, you forget how messed up the villains are. In fact, sometimes I forget who the villains are. Read this article and more sentences that end in a preposition to refresh your memory!

My favorite will always be Barry… or Other Barry. I can’t decide. What do you think Other Rhune? Oh, I couldn’t say, Rhune.

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jackierobinson#32 – Historical Sporting Events You’d Absolutely Have To Visit if You Owned a Time Machine

This list may seem impractical, but it is probably the most important list you’ll ever read. If, and when, I come into possession of a time machine, if I haven’t already, and enough timejuice to make my way across the space/time continuum, I’m going to be hitting up these games and matches in reverse order of the order they’ve been ranked in by you, the Ranker. My fate is in your hands. I’m especially looking forward to the inhospitable weather games. I can’t believe Jackie Robinson has been voted down so far. Who are you people? Who downvotes Jackie Robinson under any circumstances?

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sincitygore#33 – The 15 Goriest Moments in Sin City Comics

Ranker was on a real kick for lists about gore. So I told them that I know the Sin City comics like the back of my non-gory hand and took a crack at making this list. I don’t know how the roller-booting decapitation remains so low on the list, but I only have one vote to give!

Why #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend Offends ME

I am vehemently against Captain America being made gay in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and here’s why:

If you are longing for gay comic book hero that you can admire and idolize, then you don’t know anything about comic books, can’t function Google, and in my opinion, don’t deserve to be a part of the conversation.

If half the energy put into #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend went into adapting The Authority into a mature and faithful film, it would be light-years better for the community, comic books as a medium, and the world.

Begging to have an agenda-switch flipped on an existing character is so sad and desperate when writers are making amazing things that fit the agenda and the offended parties are just too lazy or busy being offended to find it.

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That’s the fans’ job in this exchange: to find what you like and support it. If you don’t, who will? And if your demographic is small, then it makes that job that much more important. Do your job.

Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#24-30)

There’s no better kept secret on the internet than the articles I write for Ranker.com… until now! One of these babies has over 2.4 million views. Millions! Which one? You’ll have to read to find out, but it has to do with sex and a TV show with a title that rhymes with Schmame of Schmones.

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-important-events-that-happened-before-game-of-thrones-even-started#24 – Game of Thrones Backstories that Happened Before the Books Even Started

This was extremely fun to write. It’s probably the second or third or thirty-ninth best (unofficial) prequel to A Song of Fire and Ice you can possibly read! Though practically everyone involved is already dead, readers seem to think that the whole Rhaegar-Targaryan-kidnapping-Lyanna-Stark thing will be a prominent storyline in the seasons to come whilst poo-pooing on Jorah Mormont and Mance Rayder’s storylines.
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Morrison#25 – The Best Grant Morrison Comics of All Time

I barely remember writing this one, but it’s all true. All-Star Superman has bubbled to the top, but my pick will always be The Invisibles and Morrison’s plea for a spiritual “wankathon” to keep the book from getting canned. It was my introduction to “chaos magic,” which I’m still not any good at.
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George-RR-Martin#26 – Surprising Facts about George R. R. Martin’s Writing Habits

Writing about how someone else writes their writings was one of the more grueling things I’ve been written to to write about. I can’t deny that GRRM is a quirky dude, but I guess I’m a quirky enough dude that I’m only surprised that he doesn’t have quirkier quirks. The most surprising fact about him is that he’s not more arrogant or precious about his baby (like the hacks that are currently ruining The Walking Dead). I also like his hats.
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efrem-zimbalist-jr-in-batman-the-animated-series-photo-u2#27 – The Best Alfreds in Batman History

Back to comic books, or at least, comic-book-based properties for me! I had kind of assumed that people would vote the movie actors up to the top of the list, so I’m happy to see that Efrem Zimbalist Jr.’s portrayal from Batman: The Animated Series has risen to the lead. Ranker rankers know what they’re ranking about.
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just-one-of-the-guys-photo-u6#28 – 22 Unexpected Nude Scenes in Movies

It looks like Jason Segel’s wiener is still holding down the top spot on this list. Boobs are downright commonplace, but a surprise wiener can be the most unexpected nudity of all. I originally posted uncensored images with the understanding that someone at Ranker was going to make black bars, but I guess they just went for bare-ly related screengrabs. I’m sorry, Mr. Skin, I have failed you.
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#29 – Game of Thrones Sex Scenes That Aren’t Even in the Books

This list appears to be non-voteable, which is a shame, because it could be ranked by scandalousness, egregiousness, or gratuitousness. But you know what? I don’t care. That’s because it has, at the time of blogging, 2.4 million views. If I had a penny for everyone of those views, I think I’d have like $24,000? I think it makes sense to amp up the visual intensity of a book when it’s being adapted to the screen, but these scenes have made some folks (who probably still wear buckles on their hats) get all huffy. I only get huffy over the ones that involve drastic character and/or plot changes.
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#30 – Game of Thrones Religions Worth Believing In

People are just not into the Lord of Light! Voters would rather turn their lips blue or be confused, beaten and blinded by the Many-Faced God than join up with R’Hllor, and I dunno, learn how to ressurect the dead? That seems cool to me, but I guess not everyone is onboard with burning children at the stake. Sign me up!
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Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (Articles #1-3)

If you know me, you know I have lists for everything: movies I’ve seen, books I’ve read, beers I’ve consumed, places I’ve been, etc… So I was happy to be asked to start writing list articles for Ranker.com about comic books.  Once they’re posted, readers get to vote to re-rank the list. The results can be pretty surprising. Please… vote your asses off. Here’s a handy guide and a little voting commentary on the first handful:
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images#1 – The Best X-Men Comic Stories, Ranked

For better or worse, I have read just about every X-Men comic pertinent to the main continuity from 1963 to 2014. I hope to be caught up soon. Someone please ask them to slow down for a little bit so I can catch my breath? The voting hasn’t been too shocking aside from the fact that the cheap “Fatal Attractions” storyline from the 90’s has been voted up to third place over classics like “Mutant Massacre” and my personal favorite, the story of Rogue joining the X-Men.
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MostPowerful#2 – The Most Powerful Comic Book Characters Ever, Ranked

When Ranker asked me to write this one, I was thinking about muscles and punching, but I realized that in comic books, the highest power lies with those able to manipulate reality. The voting has been weird since Thanos, Galactus and The Phoenix have been voted to the top despite the fact that the Marvel characters that made them (and could unmake them) are also on the list. I also learned that nobody reads my favorite recent comic book, Irredeemable, since its most powerful character has been voted to the bottom of the list.
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the-craziest-comic-book-characters-ranked-u1#3 – The Craziest Comic Book Characters, Ranked

Insanity is hard to define, but I must be crazy, because I put The Joker second on the list and readers immediately voted him to the top. In fact, they voted a lot of mainstream Marvel and DC characters up to the top, which pushed down independent comic book crazies like Johnny the Homicidal Maniac (a raving lunatic who kills people to keep the walls of his house fresh with blood to keep imaginary monsters away) and Black Noir (a hedonistic super hero who kills and eats babies to frame his clone). I guess those kinds of antics just don’t rate on the cray scale anymore.
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Happy reading! I hope DC or Marvel will read and ask me to come work for them!