Nerd Stuff Listicles on Ranker (#31-33)

Album production (mixing if you’re curious) has slowed me from writing nerd stuff for Ranker.com as much as I’d like, but I still manage the odd listicle. In fact, the mix in this group may be odder than the usual. You get some TV, some sports, and some comic book gore all rolled up with a dash of time travel.

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archervillainns#31 – Archer’s Greatest Villains, Ranked

With how messed up the main characters of Archer are, you forget how messed up the villains are. In fact, sometimes I forget who the villains are. Read this article and more sentences that end in a preposition to refresh your memory!

My favorite will always be Barry… or Other Barry. I can’t decide. What do you think Other Rhune? Oh, I couldn’t say, Rhune.

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jackierobinson#32 – Historical Sporting Events You’d Absolutely Have To Visit if You Owned a Time Machine

This list may seem impractical, but it is probably the most important list you’ll ever read. If, and when, I come into possession of a time machine, if I haven’t already, and enough timejuice to make my way across the space/time continuum, I’m going to be hitting up these games and matches in reverse order of the order they’ve been ranked in by you, the Ranker. My fate is in your hands. I’m especially looking forward to the inhospitable weather games. I can’t believe Jackie Robinson has been voted down so far. Who are you people? Who downvotes Jackie Robinson under any circumstances?

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sincitygore#33 – The 15 Goriest Moments in Sin City Comics

Ranker was on a real kick for lists about gore. So I told them that I know the Sin City comics like the back of my non-gory hand and took a crack at making this list. I don’t know how the roller-booting decapitation remains so low on the list, but I only have one vote to give!

Pretty Oddcast (Episodes 4-6)

The Pretty Oddcast has been rolling along and collecting a cute little fanbase. It’s the podcast where Lindsey Floyd and I investigate quirky cultures and report on the unorthodox lifestyles of the people we meet. It’s pretty damn fun. Of course, the most efficient way to keep track of our adventures is to subscribe on iTunes or Stitcher. But, I’ll link three more episodes here. These feature a cat show, roller derby and the ill-conceived Star Wars Night at Dodger Stadium:

RhuneCat.jpgEpisode #4: The Cat Show

 


To download, right-click and select “Save As” option.

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Roller Derby

Episode #5: Roller Derby


To download, right-click and select “Save As” option.

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Episode #6: Star Wars Night at Dodger StadiumStarWarsnight

 
To download, right-click and select “Save As” option.

 

Drunk Girls (And the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time)

It’s time for another song blog. This time it’s for “Drunk Girls.” My sister says that this song makes me seem creepy and that I shouldn’t play it, but whenever I ask my girlfriend which song I should add to a setlist, she says, “Drunk Girls.” Have a listen and decide for yourself:

Drunk Girls Lyrics Download

And don’t forget that all my music is now available on a “name-your-own-price” basis. That means you can download and listen for free, or pitch in a little money so I can afford rent and ramen.

For the studio version, I wanted to sound super shallow. I’ve always admired the blatant shallowness of Cobra Starship, so I tried to imitate their dance-punk groove. I also laid on the auto-tune, because as we all know, there’s no cheaper trick in the Pro Tools bag than auto-tuning the life out of your voice.  It is one of my all-time favorite recordings, because it has the funkiest bassline I ever played. I wish they were all that funky, but the funk mothership only visits me every now and then.

I thought I’d make up a list of my favorite drunk girls to go along with this, but I didn’t get very far. In fact, it was pretty boring. I realized that the most entertaining drunks of all-time are mostly men. We’re just better at it. Sorry girls. It was going to be a Top 10 List, but one of the most entertaining drunks of all-time was a high school budy of mine who once vowed to be drunk for an entire spring break. I didn’t want to slander any non-celebrities. So, without further delay, here are the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time, in no particular order:

Tony Stark, aka “Iron Man” is the highest functioning alcoholic of all-time. He can pilot the Iron Man suit, invent pretty much anything and bed impossibly-figured women all while incredibly sloshed. His weapon of choice is usually Scotch. This theme was addressed most famously in the 1979 storyline, “Demon in a Bottle.” Will this theme be prevalent in the third movie, or will the drunken dancing in Iron Man 2 be the end of Tony’s drunken hijinks?
Gary was an actor hired by Team America to infiltrate an Arab spy ring. When he failed, his whole team got captured which led to an epic drinking binge. That lead to the most epic puking scene in movie history. Watch it backwards. In case you didn’t know, he’s a puppet voiced by Trey Parker, and he appears in 2004’s scathing satire on terrorism, Team America: World Police.
Mel Gibson is not a fictional character. However, he apparently acts like a fictional character even when he’s not acting. Mel’s drunkeness is entertaining like a car accident, because you can’t look away. Judging by the plethora of far-out sound bytes he’s given us, Mel’s creativity is super-powered by the silly sauce. It is not unlike the relationship between Popeye’s muscles and spinach. Mel comes up with turns-of-phrase that a normal imagination could never compose. Some people are surprised that Mel is a crazy, sadistic psycho, but I guess those same people never watched the last scene of Mad Max.
Meet Grover Cleveland Alexander, one of the greatest pitchers of baseball’s roaring 20’s. He played from 1911 to 1930 for the Phillies, Cubs and Cardinals. He won 373 games, which is the 3rd-most of all-time. Things really picked up in 1926 when the Cubs got sick of his drunkeness and sold him to the Cardinals. The Cardinals met up with the Yankees in the 1926 World Series. After winning Game 6 with a complete game masterpiece, Grover allegedly went on quite a bender. His manager called on him to close out Game 7 anyway, and when Babe Ruth made a base-stealing blunder to end the game, Grover recorded the series-ending save. These schnokered heroics were portrayed in the 1952 movie The Winning Team starring Ronald Reagan.
Terl was a Psychlo security chief with aspirations of great wealth. He used human slaves in a half-baked gold-smuggling operation in the film adaptation of L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth. Portrayed by John Travolta, Terl provided the film’s most entertaining moment when he got drunk and said that he was not groomed for “some cushy job.” I can’t explain why this is entertaining. You just have to watch this scene. “While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME!”
Harry Potter makes the list because I think that Horace Slughorn’s Felix Felis potion is probably just tequila.
It takes a lot of chutzpah to send a “fuck you” in a judge’s direction, even if it’s subtley painted. Lindsey Lohan is the kind of girl my song is really about, but not the kind of girl I would want to hang out with. Luckily, she is locked away so that’s not a possibility, though I wouldn’t turn down the chance to visit a women’s prison. It looks like a wild joint. She was more attractive before all the chemicals, but I have to admire her blatant disrespect for authority figures.
Trey Parker’s voice makes the list again, for my favorite South Park character, Randy Marsh. Randy drives drunk. He fights drunk. He rips off his shirt. He loses his pants. He re-enacts the Civil War blasted on schnapps. He “lracks disirplrine.” He spends his last dollar on a Margarita-ville Margarita maker.  His favorite liquor appears to be tequila followed by “beers to keep his buzz going.”
It turns out Lynda Carter was a big-time alcoholic. That’s not that entertaining, but I don’t need much of an excuse to post a picture of her in the classic Wonder Woman costume. Much better than the new one.

Most Excellent Colorado Adventure

My trip home to Colorado was awesome. I saw lots of friends and family, and Emily and I did all kinds of things that you can’t do in Los Angeles, such as:

Friday
We breathed clean air, drank tap water without fear, drove 85 mph, merged at an appropriate speed, drove to Golden in the rain, beheld a skyline with fog instead of smog, watched Ubaldo Jimenez beat the Blue Jays 5-3 in a rain-shortened 6-inning game, and I stole an abandoned beer in the Sandlot Brewery.

Saturday
We napped hard, saw a white guy mowing his own lawn, saw grass in the first place, had some sushi that wasn’t as good as the sushi in L.A., saw some buffalo and then remorselessly ate a Buffalo Burger at Turley’s in Boulder.

Sunday
Drove on a highway for 40+ miles without stopping, toured the Anheuser Busch production facility in Fort Collins, saw some Clydesdale horses, drank some brews, ate a Buffalo Burger with Artichoke Dip on it, drank a flight of beers at Coopersmith’s Brewery, went through my childhood belongings and scored a Denver Broncos Super Bowl Champions T-shirt, and swerved to avoid some yahoo driving on the wrong side of the road.

Monday
We ate dinner at Casa Bonita, saw “pirates” and “gunfighters” fall into a pool, braved Black Bart’s Cave (just me), toured the Asgard Entertainment facility in Denver, sat through some painful stand-up comedy (just kidding, plenty of that in L.A.), and I got to be a special touring guest at the Lion’s Lair.

Tuesday
We walked around the haunted Stanley Hotel, inspiration for The Shining and shooting locale for Dumb and Dumber, drove through Rocky Mountain National Park, took mountain pictures two miles above sea level, saw elk, big horned sheep and prairie dogs, saw the scary blazing-eye Bronco statue at Denver International Airport, and I ate frozen custard from Good Times.

Emily is an awesome picture taker, so here are the photo highlights:

The skyline from Coors Field

The Rockies won 5-3 and everyone got soaked

Shileikis' impression of South Park's Kenny

This is where the beer comes from

Casa Bonita, Casa Bonita! Just like I remember

This is where horror comes from

Prairie Dog Commando is hungry for grass

This is what Earth looks like if you don't fuck it up.

I like it up there. It's easier to think.

There’s No Tasering in Baseball!

A lot of people are up-in-arms over the recent on-field tasering at a Philadelphia Phillies game. To summarize, a 17-year old jackass interrupted the Phillies game by running onto the field, and in response, a cop used a taser to bring him down. Some people are in favor of tasing as it has been responsibly tested on sheep on meth, other people call this excessive force that can kill people. Personally, I am against tasing baseball field invaders and I will outline my reasons.

I am a baseball purist, a traditionalist, if you will. I don’t like the Designated Hitter rule. I don’t like Interleague Play. I don’t think Alex Rodriguez should run across the mound like a dickhead. I think Barry Bonds deserves an asterisk. I don’t think pitchers should be ejected for throwing at batters, especially Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds.

So when I see some 17-year old degenerate (or the fat-ass copycat he inspired) running around the field, I want to see them tackled. I want to see the security guards drive him into the ground. I want to see him eat turf… awake. I want to see him get speared with a shoulder to the guts.  This teenager was wily, but he wasn’t Barry Sanders. It would’ve taken another 15 seconds to bring him down the old fashioned way, and we would’ve gained the entertainment value of a proper slobber-knocker.

Field invaders also provide an opportunity to showcase proper tackling technique. As you probably know, proper tackling is on the decline in sports and everyday life. People don’t know the fundamentals.  Security guards should be role models and teach children to stay low and above all, “wrap up.” That means to use your arms in bringing someone down and not just rely on the impact from a shoulder. Wrapping up is the single most important aspect of tackling. How do we expect our children to learn to tackle properly if they see grown-ups simply tasing each other? Answer: They Won’t.

We will end up with a generation of children who can’t tackle and that would be the greatest tragedy of them all. So I say, let’s keep the tasers off the baseball field. It’s for the children.