When I was little…

…all I ever wanted was to be on ESPN. I have finally achieved that goal. I’m the one going, “Yeah! Woo!

There’s No Tasering in Baseball!

A lot of people are up-in-arms over the recent on-field tasering at a Philadelphia Phillies game. To summarize, a 17-year old jackass interrupted the Phillies game by running onto the field, and in response, a cop used a taser to bring him down. Some people are in favor of tasing as it has been responsibly tested on sheep on meth, other people call this excessive force that can kill people. Personally, I am against tasing baseball field invaders and I will outline my reasons.

I am a baseball purist, a traditionalist, if you will. I don’t like the Designated Hitter rule. I don’t like Interleague Play. I don’t think Alex Rodriguez should run across the mound like a dickhead. I think Barry Bonds deserves an asterisk. I don’t think pitchers should be ejected for throwing at batters, especially Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds.

So when I see some 17-year old degenerate (or the fat-ass copycat he inspired) running around the field, I want to see them tackled. I want to see the security guards drive him into the ground. I want to see him eat turf… awake. I want to see him get speared with a shoulder to the guts.  This teenager was wily, but he wasn’t Barry Sanders. It would’ve taken another 15 seconds to bring him down the old fashioned way, and we would’ve gained the entertainment value of a proper slobber-knocker.

Field invaders also provide an opportunity to showcase proper tackling technique. As you probably know, proper tackling is on the decline in sports and everyday life. People don’t know the fundamentals.  Security guards should be role models and teach children to stay low and above all, “wrap up.” That means to use your arms in bringing someone down and not just rely on the impact from a shoulder. Wrapping up is the single most important aspect of tackling. How do we expect our children to learn to tackle properly if they see grown-ups simply tasing each other? Answer: They Won’t.

We will end up with a generation of children who can’t tackle and that would be the greatest tragedy of them all. So I say, let’s keep the tasers off the baseball field. It’s for the children.

How the Broncos Draft could Make Me Cry

It is a great time to be a Colorado sports fan. The Avalanche and Nuggets are in the playoffs and Ubaldo Jiminez of the Rockies just threw their first no-hitter. So what am I most excited about? Denver Broncos football as always! In fact, this Thursday, I’m going to L.A.’s Best and Only Broncos bar (Brennan’s Pub, the Home of Turtle Racing, a blog topic for another day) to watch them. What? The Broncos aren’t playing on Thursday you say? No they aren’t, but it’s the NFL Draft and when your team sucks, there’s no more important day than draft day. The first round of this year’s draft has been moved to “prime time” to compete with Desperate Housewives and the like…

Is it weird to drink and party while watching a bunch of rich white guys sit in sweaty “war rooms” and decide which recent college grads they want to pay millions of dollars to sling around a football? Is it wrong to read fake drafts made up by other weirdos? If it is, I don’t want to be right.

The best thing about the NFL Draft is that it involves all teams. You can’t even say that about game day, because the St. Louis Rams didn’t show up for any of their games last year. Zing! But seriously, the Draft is the one time of year when all teams can honestly say they are going to get better. After draft day, players will get hurt, arrested and/or shot at a rate that no other population sample on Earth can keep up with aside from freedom fighters in third-world nations. After the draft, teams can only get worse, except the Raiders, who would be better off hurt, arrested and/or shot.

The first night of the draft won’t involve Carolina and Chicago, because they are stupid and traded away their first round picks. The Bears’ pick went to the Broncos, which is good because the Broncos were stupid and traded their first-round pick in 2010 for a second-round pick in 2009. Read that again… yes, our coach has trouble with math. Not only that, he wasted the pick by drafting cornerback Alphonso “Completely-Ineffective” Smith. I call him that with love, because I hope it will motivate him to be “Slightly Effective.” The Broncos could be picking 11th AND 14th, but no…

Tthat means the Broncos will be picking 11th and by then, I’m sure Brennan’s will be good and drunk. The Official Drink is a Blue Moon with an orange slice… get it? BLUE moon and ORANGE slice. We’ll be too blitzed (get it?) to care who the team picks, but I have my sober preference: Rolondo McClain, inside linebacker from Alabama. Pundits worry that he may or may not have Crohn’s disease, which if you don’t know, is a disease that weakens your bones.  If he explodes into a misty ball of bone-dust, you can hit me with an, “I told you so.”  If they don’t pick him, it had better be because they are moving down, acquiring picks and drafting Mike Iupati, guard from Idaho. I am a firm believer in potato-based line play, because Boise State’s Ryan Clady has worked out so well at left tackle.

If the Broncos select trouble-plagued wide receiver, Dez Bryant from Oklahoma State, I will cry. If they use their first pick on any position other than linebacker, guard or defensive tackle, I will cry. If they trade an X-Round pick for an X+1-Round pick, I will cry. Because last year’s draft would’ve made me cry, but I decided to be strong, hold back the tears and assume that our new coach had some plan. If he doesn’t follow my suggestions this year, it means that he is insane. An insane rabid squirrel reigning terror on my beloved team that needs to go.

Check back on Friday to see if I cried. We now return you to your regularly scheduled MusiComedy.



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