Here’s a new video I’m putting up on my video page to change my image, since really, I am more of a rockin’ scientist. This song will be on a future album… if there is a future.
Drunk Girls (And the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time)
It’s time for another song blog. This time it’s for “Drunk Girls.” My sister says that this song makes me seem creepy and that I shouldn’t play it, but whenever I ask my girlfriend which song I should add to a setlist, she says, “Drunk Girls.” Have a listen and decide for yourself:
| Drunk Girls | Lyrics | Download |
And don’t forget that all my music is now available on a “name-your-own-price” basis. That means you can download and listen for free, or pitch in a little money so I can afford rent and ramen.
For the studio version, I wanted to sound super shallow. I’ve always admired the blatant shallowness of Cobra Starship, so I tried to imitate their dance-punk groove. I also laid on the auto-tune, because as we all know, there’s no cheaper trick in the Pro Tools bag than auto-tuning the life out of your voice. Â It is one of my all-time favorite recordings, because it has the funkiest bassline I ever played. I wish they were all that funky, but the funk mothership only visits me every now and then.
I thought I’d make up a list of my favorite drunk girls to go along with this, but I didn’t get very far. In fact, it was pretty boring. I realized that the most entertaining drunks of all-time are mostly men. We’re just better at it. Sorry girls. It was going to be a Top 10 List, but one of the most entertaining drunks of all-time was a high school budy of mine who once vowed to be drunk for an entire spring break. I didn’t want to slander any non-celebrities. So, without further delay, here are the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time, in no particular order:
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Tony Stark, aka “Iron Man” is the highest functioning alcoholic of all-time. He can pilot the Iron Man suit, invent pretty much anything and bed impossibly-figured women all while incredibly sloshed. His weapon of choice is usually Scotch. This theme was addressed most famously in the 1979 storyline, “Demon in a Bottle.” Will this theme be prevalent in the third movie, or will the drunken dancing in Iron Man 2 be the end of Tony’s drunken hijinks? |
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Gary was an actor hired by Team America to infiltrate an Arab spy ring. When he failed, his whole team got captured which led to an epic drinking binge. That lead to the most epic puking scene in movie history. Watch it backwards. In case you didn’t know, he’s a puppet voiced by Trey Parker, and he appears in 2004’s scathing satire on terrorism, Team America: World Police. |
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Mel Gibson is not a fictional character. However, he apparently acts like a fictional character even when he’s not acting. Mel’s drunkeness is entertaining like a car accident, because you can’t look away. Judging by the plethora of far-out sound bytes he’s given us, Mel’s creativity is super-powered by the silly sauce. It is not unlike the relationship between Popeye’s muscles and spinach. Mel comes up with turns-of-phrase that a normal imagination could never compose. Some people are surprised that Mel is a crazy, sadistic psycho, but I guess those same people never watched the last scene of Mad Max. |
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Meet Grover Cleveland Alexander, one of the greatest pitchers of baseball’s roaring 20’s. He played from 1911 to 1930 for the Phillies, Cubs and Cardinals. He won 373 games, which is the 3rd-most of all-time. Things really picked up in 1926 when the Cubs got sick of his drunkeness and sold him to the Cardinals. The Cardinals met up with the Yankees in the 1926 World Series. After winning Game 6 with a complete game masterpiece, Grover allegedly went on quite a bender. His manager called on him to close out Game 7 anyway, and when Babe Ruth made a base-stealing blunder to end the game, Grover recorded the series-ending save. These schnokered heroics were portrayed in the 1952Â movie The Winning Team starring Ronald Reagan. |
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Terl was a Psychlo security chief with aspirations of great wealth. He used human slaves in a half-baked gold-smuggling operation in the film adaptation of L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth. Portrayed by John Travolta, Terl provided the film’s most entertaining moment when he got drunk and said that he was not groomed for “some cushy job.” I can’t explain why this is entertaining. You just have to watch this scene. “While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME!” |
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Harry Potter makes the list because I think that Horace Slughorn’s Felix Felis potion is probably just tequila. |
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It takes a lot of chutzpah to send a “fuck you” in a judge’s direction, even if it’s subtley painted. Lindsey Lohan is the kind of girl my song is really about, but not the kind of girl I would want to hang out with. Luckily, she is locked away so that’s not a possibility, though I wouldn’t turn down the chance to visit a women’s prison. It looks like a wild joint. She was more attractive before all the chemicals, but I have to admire her blatant disrespect for authority figures. |
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Trey Parker’s voice makes the list again, for my favorite South Park character, Randy Marsh. Randy drives drunk. He fights drunk. He rips off his shirt. He loses his pants. He re-enacts the Civil War blasted on schnapps. He “lracks disirplrine.” He spends his last dollar on a Margarita-ville Margarita maker.  His favorite liquor appears to be tequila followed by “beers to keep his buzz going.” |
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It turns out Lynda Carter was a big-time alcoholic. That’s not that entertaining, but I don’t need much of an excuse to post a picture of her in the classic Wonder Woman costume. Much better than the new one. |
Kick-Ass Jiggle-Fest
I cashed in my prize from placing in the the Kick-Ass talent contest and got to witness the Kick-Ass Girls Burlesque show produced by Lionsgate and Devil’s Playground. It was one of the better jiggle-fests I’ve been too, on par with the epic Lucha VaVoom and this place in Vegas we’ll say no more about except to say that it wasn’t really burlesque at all. Â For a rating, I give the show a 32C.
Daisy Meadows’ turn as Pris from Blade Runner was my favorite routine of the night. The worst was definitely when the host of comicsoncomics.com, Juan-Manuel Rocha, did a performance art piece with a camera. Courtney Cruz, who is the ringleader of this troupe, picked my favorite comic book vixen, the modern Silk Spectre from Watchmen. Also portrayed were Chun Li from Street Fighter (by Gia Rose), Cherry Darling from Planet Terror (by Olivia Bella Fontaine) and Wonder Woman (by the breastacular Lucy Fur). The boobariffic host, Mia Vixen, had also an impromptu jiggle. I don’t usually approve of improv, but I will let this one go.
I gained a promotional Hit-Girl t-shirt, and now I just need a Red Mist and Big Daddy t-shirt for a complete set of all four main character t-shirts. I’m not entirely sure what I just said, because I haven’t seen the movie or even read the book. Despite that, even I know that it is not OK to lust after Hit-Girl, because the character is 12-years old. A representative from the L.A. Weekly (a publication best known for it’s poor spelling) was in attendance. She went on stage and said that the girls looked sexably hot in the Kick-Ass trailer. I yelled, “They’re underage,” and there was laughter. Normally, I don’t approve of heckling, but they spelled my name wrong.
Courtney Cruz as the Silk Spectre from Watchmen
Juan-Manuel Rocha's performance art piece
Me being me, y'know, like I do.
Dasiy Meadows as Pris from Blade Runner
The Ellay Weagly was in attendance.
Olivia Bella Fontaine as Cherry Darling
Courtney Cruz as the Silk Spectre
Gia Rose as Chun Li with Power Ranger
Lucy Fur as Wonder Woman
Dream Come True at the Kick-Ass Contest
Last night, I performed in an ass-kicking contest to promote the upcoming Lionsgate movie, Kick-Ass. There were comedians, singers, martial artists, a girl dressed as a dog and many more competing to see who could “kick the most ass.” That’s a fancy way of saying it was a talent show. It’s an on-line contest, so…
To see all the contestants and cast your vote, go to: http://www.meltcomics.com/blog/2010/04/08/shut-up-and-kick-ass-contestant-vids-and-voting/
Vote for me as much as you want, because it would make me happier than I already am. You see, I am already ecstatic about this video. It was a dream come true. I played “Coppin’ a Feel,” which will be the lead single off of my upcoming album, American Chipfunk. The cameraman deserves all the awards in the world, because he thoughtfully panned to the audience during the audience participation part of the song and captured, on video, a real life feel being copped. That is why I’m ecstatic. Most of my concert videos just show me singing. This has the magic of public groping! That’s right. If you watch this video, you will get to see a boob get squeezed. It shows that my song isn’t just a collection of pretty melodies. It is a serious message song like Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young’s “Ohio,” U2’s “Sunday, Bloody, Sunday, John Lennon’s “Imagine,” etc…
Coincidentally, the victim of the squeezing was Satine Phoenix of sexfoodandcomicbooks.com. You can read her review of Kick-Ass here.
Special thanks go out to Jonathan London of Geekscape.net who invited me to the contest (and was the first judge in the video, I think he was a little biased due to his own public molestation habit), Juan-Manuel Rocha of comicsoncomics.com, and CC2K.com for sponsoring the event!
Coincidentally, it really was my sister’s birthday. She shares it with Jackie Chan. I wasn’t making that up. Happy birthday, Emelie!
For the curious, here is the full, 3-minute version of “Coppin’ a Feel”:
http://www.meltcomics.com/blog/
