The Michael Nayt Show (ft. Rhune Kincaid)

Last night, I appeared as a guest on The Michael Nayt Show. Michael Nayt is a cool guy who’s worked in music and comedy and now he has a show on blogtalkradio.com. We talked music, comedy and all the mischief I’ve been getting in to. It contains a very cool announcement right after my first song. I’ll be expanding on it here in this space in the near future. I want to send out a big thanks to Michael and his partner in crime, Eric Jurado, for having me on the show!

If you missed it, have a listen:

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How to Plan for An American Idol Audition (Experience and Advice)

Since I wrote my scathing memoir about the “audition process” for Last Comic Standing, people have been pinging me to know if American Idol is any different. I auditioned in 2009 and wrote up the experience long before I started this blog, so I’ll repost that here in its entirety. Before I do though, I’ll write a quick blurb of advice since 2011 auditions start this morning in Nashville, TN. For the first time, contestants as young as 15 are being allowed in, so parents may be looking for advice on how to plan the day:

The difference between American Idol and Last Comic Standing, is that Last Comic Standing auditions are totally fake, wheras American Idol actually cares about fairness. They don’t care if you die of heat stroke, but they will give you a shot. It is almost worth going for the experience. I do believe that if a person can really, really, really impress a judge they can move on. The percentage of people that move on from the cattle call is less than 0.25%, and I’d have to think that most of those are ass-hat material. They really will give every single person in the stadium a chance to sing, and they will do it as efficiently as they can. That said, it is still an absolutely brutal process and will take up 4-16 hours of your day depending on how gullible you are and where your assigned seat is within the stadium.

Do you really have to show up at 5am to audition for American Idol? No. Rest assured that you do NOT need to show up at dawn, you do NOT need to be there before the stadium opens, and you do NOT need to learn the “group song.” Sleep in, rest up, wear sunscreen. The early call time only serves the purpose of letting cameras capture B-roll footage of a large crowd. Even if you are first in line, you can arrive at the stadium at 10am without missing your slot. That is when the auditions actually start. The later you sign up, the later you sing. So if you’re near the end, you can show up even later. That’s the most advice I can give an aspiring American Idol singer. Try to find out where your seat is in the stadium and how it relates to the “start” of the line, then plan accordingly. The AI staff won’t tell you when you’ll sing your 30 seconds because they want a full stadium for the crowd shots.

Feel free to leave any questions as comments, and I’ll be sure to answer them. Now without further ado, my original story from the summer of 2009:

Auditioning for American Idol
By Rhune Kincaid
2009-07-23

I woke up at four o’clock in the morning to drive to the Rose Bowl in Pasadena, California to audition for the 9th season American Idol. Then I sat in line for about three hours. Do you know why I had to wait that long? It was so they could get shots of people waiting to get in. Here is a secret about the part of a reality show where you see people lined up at Dawn O’Clock: Those people don’t want to be there. They don’t need to be there. They aren’t happy to be there, and they aren’t there because they are excited to get in early. They are there because they got tricked into thinking they needed to show up early.

Finally, we filled up a quarter of the stadium. It takes very little effort for people to trickle in and fill the entire Rose Bowl for a football game, but filling a quarter of it is rocket science for American Idol. An hour after the line started to move, I got to my seat and the usher demanded that I stop so she could help me find it. I stood there, annoyed, silent and slack jawed with a look on my face that said, “Do I look like the kind of person who needs help finding his seat in a football stadium?” The usher mistook my disbelief for something else and said, “You know how to count, right?” I don’t want to type what the look on my face said after that, but it wasn’t nice. Then I sat while everyone else sang together to turn a pop song into a sea chantey. Then there was some more rocket science involving an American flag, but I don’t know what was going on, because it wasn’t in my section. It was some nefarious business that involved way too many megaphones.

Then they told us the order we would be auditioning in, at which point, I realized there was no reason for me to be there any earlier than three o’clock in the afternoon. The paperwork had made it sound like showing up at dawn was mandatory, but around noon, the people sitting next to me showed up, plopped down and said, “Did we miss anything?” You only missed the sea chantey.

After about four more hours of blazing sun, I got to go down on the field and sing for some 20-year old judge in a tent. I warbled out thirty seconds of “Easy” by the Commodores and finally got to go home. I was pretty relieved about it. I didn’t really want to pass at that point, I just wanted to go home. Sleep deprivation, heat stroke and 11,000 of the most naive suckers you’ve ever sat next to in your life will do that to you. I’d say that you can count me out for future auditions, but I’m already disqualified due to my advanced age of twenty-nine.

Drunk Girls (And the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time)

It’s time for another song blog. This time it’s for “Drunk Girls.” My sister says that this song makes me seem creepy and that I shouldn’t play it, but whenever I ask my girlfriend which song I should add to a setlist, she says, “Drunk Girls.” Have a listen and decide for yourself:

Drunk Girls Lyrics Download

And don’t forget that all my music is now available on a “name-your-own-price” basis. That means you can download and listen for free, or pitch in a little money so I can afford rent and ramen.

For the studio version, I wanted to sound super shallow. I’ve always admired the blatant shallowness of Cobra Starship, so I tried to imitate their dance-punk groove. I also laid on the auto-tune, because as we all know, there’s no cheaper trick in the Pro Tools bag than auto-tuning the life out of your voice.  It is one of my all-time favorite recordings, because it has the funkiest bassline I ever played. I wish they were all that funky, but the funk mothership only visits me every now and then.

I thought I’d make up a list of my favorite drunk girls to go along with this, but I didn’t get very far. In fact, it was pretty boring. I realized that the most entertaining drunks of all-time are mostly men. We’re just better at it. Sorry girls. It was going to be a Top 10 List, but one of the most entertaining drunks of all-time was a high school budy of mine who once vowed to be drunk for an entire spring break. I didn’t want to slander any non-celebrities. So, without further delay, here are the Top 9 Most Entertaining Drunks of All-Time, in no particular order:

Tony Stark, aka “Iron Man” is the highest functioning alcoholic of all-time. He can pilot the Iron Man suit, invent pretty much anything and bed impossibly-figured women all while incredibly sloshed. His weapon of choice is usually Scotch. This theme was addressed most famously in the 1979 storyline, “Demon in a Bottle.” Will this theme be prevalent in the third movie, or will the drunken dancing in Iron Man 2 be the end of Tony’s drunken hijinks?
Gary was an actor hired by Team America to infiltrate an Arab spy ring. When he failed, his whole team got captured which led to an epic drinking binge. That lead to the most epic puking scene in movie history. Watch it backwards. In case you didn’t know, he’s a puppet voiced by Trey Parker, and he appears in 2004’s scathing satire on terrorism, Team America: World Police.
Mel Gibson is not a fictional character. However, he apparently acts like a fictional character even when he’s not acting. Mel’s drunkeness is entertaining like a car accident, because you can’t look away. Judging by the plethora of far-out sound bytes he’s given us, Mel’s creativity is super-powered by the silly sauce. It is not unlike the relationship between Popeye’s muscles and spinach. Mel comes up with turns-of-phrase that a normal imagination could never compose. Some people are surprised that Mel is a crazy, sadistic psycho, but I guess those same people never watched the last scene of Mad Max.
Meet Grover Cleveland Alexander, one of the greatest pitchers of baseball’s roaring 20’s. He played from 1911 to 1930 for the Phillies, Cubs and Cardinals. He won 373 games, which is the 3rd-most of all-time. Things really picked up in 1926 when the Cubs got sick of his drunkeness and sold him to the Cardinals. The Cardinals met up with the Yankees in the 1926 World Series. After winning Game 6 with a complete game masterpiece, Grover allegedly went on quite a bender. His manager called on him to close out Game 7 anyway, and when Babe Ruth made a base-stealing blunder to end the game, Grover recorded the series-ending save. These schnokered heroics were portrayed in the 1952 movie The Winning Team starring Ronald Reagan.
Terl was a Psychlo security chief with aspirations of great wealth. He used human slaves in a half-baked gold-smuggling operation in the film adaptation of L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth. Portrayed by John Travolta, Terl provided the film’s most entertaining moment when he got drunk and said that he was not groomed for “some cushy job.” I can’t explain why this is entertaining. You just have to watch this scene. “While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NAME!”
Harry Potter makes the list because I think that Horace Slughorn’s Felix Felis potion is probably just tequila.
It takes a lot of chutzpah to send a “fuck you” in a judge’s direction, even if it’s subtley painted. Lindsey Lohan is the kind of girl my song is really about, but not the kind of girl I would want to hang out with. Luckily, she is locked away so that’s not a possibility, though I wouldn’t turn down the chance to visit a women’s prison. It looks like a wild joint. She was more attractive before all the chemicals, but I have to admire her blatant disrespect for authority figures.
Trey Parker’s voice makes the list again, for my favorite South Park character, Randy Marsh. Randy drives drunk. He fights drunk. He rips off his shirt. He loses his pants. He re-enacts the Civil War blasted on schnapps. He “lracks disirplrine.” He spends his last dollar on a Margarita-ville Margarita maker.  His favorite liquor appears to be tequila followed by “beers to keep his buzz going.”
It turns out Lynda Carter was a big-time alcoholic. That’s not that entertaining, but I don’t need much of an excuse to post a picture of her in the classic Wonder Woman costume. Much better than the new one.

Song Blog: Coppin’ a Feel

I’m going to write a series of blogs about some of my favorite tracks from my two comedy albums. All of my music is now available on a “name your own price” basis. That means you can download it for free, or pitch in a little to support my musicomedy habit. So feel free to download and listen along.
Coppin’ a Feel Lyrics Download
I think the reason that “Coppin’ a Feel” is my favorite song is because it is about something that I am truly passionate about: grabbing boobs. I think it’s the most genuine song I’ve ever written, because it’s subject matter is something I truly hold dearly. It’s a topic that I can really grasp. I’ve seen a lot of gropings happen in the audience while I play this song, and I like to think of this track as the “home edition.” Feel free to play it anywhere as a license to squeeze.

I’ve played this song more than any song I’ve ever played in my life. It has been a part of nearly every show I’ve done since I wrote it, so it seemed natural to make it the first song on American Chipfunk. It was my favorite bit of percussion sequencing, and it was the song that convinced me I was doing the right thing thing by switching from Fruity Loops to Ableton Live for my drum tracks. I ended up using a little electric guitar, some synth, and piano in additional to my usual lineup.

To show that I do my research and am not just writing songs willy-nilly, here is a brief pictorial history lesson on “The Art of the Grope”:

Copping a Feel was invented way before the birth of Christ. This photo was taken long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away.

Nipple pinching was popular in 1591, when an unknown French painter captured this gem. It now hangs in the Louvre.

The 1930’s were not-so-great for most, but this unidentified man scored a stone-faced double boob grab.

It doesn’t always have to be grabbing a boob, it can be the butt of a famous athlete like Kerri Walsh, as long as she’s distracted.

Accio mammary! Even famous authors like JK Rowling are not safe from the molestation of our g-g-generation.

In the future, the Vulcan nipple pinch could replace all other forms of copping a feel. It’s sweet revenge on Spock for Captain Kirk.

Don’t you feel smarter now?

Now, in the interest of saving boobies, melons, juggs, hooters, ta-tas, mounds, tits, titties, yabbos, garbanzos, cans, knockers, mammaries, sweater puppies and funbags so that they’ll still be around to squeeze, fondle, grab, pinch, honk or rub, here are some ways to help prevent breast cancer or raise awareness:

Think Pink: http://www.blogcatalog.com/blog/think-pink-for-breast-cancer-awareness

And also, eat Pomegranates.

And for some 5th of July fun, here is someone’s list of the most influential boobs in American history. For some reason, they are all actresses, and I can’t help but cringe at the painfully glaring omission of Mrs. Mary Phelps Jacob, the inventor of the modern brassiere…

Anyway: http://blogs.ocweekly.com/heardmentality/wtf/boob-war-special-the-13-origin/