CD Release Party

I am pleased as punch to announce that my new album, American Chipfunk will be getting a CD release party thrown in its honor.  None of my previous works have had a party, so I’m really excited for this. The party is a really big deal for me, so it would mean a lot to me to have everyone’s support as I nervously birth this thing of mine into the world. If you come, you can skip my wedding and funeral and I will still always remember that time you came to my CD release party.

There will be a (not brutally long) show with performances by a hand-picked (by me!) roster of L.A.’s most talented musicians and hilarious comedians. I’ll perform too. I guess that would be appropriate. There is NO cover charge, NO drink minimums and NO drink maximums, so get as drunk as you like. But not too drunk, oh, oh, because you’ll want to remember this lineup of young, good-looking people:

What: American Chipfunk CD Release Party
When: June 6, 2010 @ 6pm (PST)
Where: Brennan’s Pub, 4089 Lincoln Blvd., Marina del Rey, CA 90292
How much?: It’s a FREE show, no admission, no cover, no drink minimum

This will be your first chance to get the album which includes the only studio recordings of “Coppin’ a Feel,” “Drunk Girls,” and “Welcome to the Spank Bank” performed by a full band. I’m really proud of this album. It also has a couple of surprises that no one has heard before, and the drums and bass guitar are all super-funky. It’s like I found the funk at the bottom of the ocean and milked it.

I hope to see you all at the party! Feel free to RSVP on the Facebook invite:!/event.php?eid=110500052325761

The $3.50 Gourmet

Usually, this blog is all about joking. But this is no joke. I am about to tell you the best meal a human being can eat, and get this… It’s going to cost you about $3.50. Don’t believe the people who talk about fancy steaks or some fish-egg-clam-squid crap. That is all lies. I have discovered the truest, most #1 delicious combination of one entrée and one beverage known to mankind… ever. Sometimes I go to bed wishing I could be awake and hungry just so I can eat this meal again.

Hopefully, I haven’t built it up too much. Oh wait, THERE IS NO SUCH THING.

Let’s start with the beverage, because you will want to do this classy-style. Say an italicized hello to Propel Enhanced Water. How is it enhanced? With deliciousness. Allegedly this is a Pepsi product and manufactured by Gatorade, but not the Blueberry Acai flavor. That flavor is made by God.

When I went to their site to do research, the first thing I thought was, “How can I get a bottle that big?” It was even bigger than the one pictured to the left, and I don’t mean a bigger picture of a bottle, I mean a big bottle in a picture. That would be ideal for this mouth-watering meal you are about to consume. The bigger the bottle, the better.

Don’t believe those liars and sycophants who tell you to get some expensive wine. You won’t need to mortgage your trailer because this bottle of heaven only costs 99 cents. At the time of my research, the local Vons is selling these things for 78 cents. It might be worth driving in Los Angeles to pick one up. Yes, even Los Angeles traffic is worth braving to suck on this flavor grenade. By the way, it sometimes goes by the flavor tag, “Blueberry Pomegranate,” but I’ve tried both kinds and they are the same and both are “infused with the anti-oxidant powers of Vitamins C and E.”

Now, onto the main course. What goes best with Propel Enhanced Water in Blueberry Acai flavor?

Trick question. Everything goes best with Propel Enhanced Water in Blueberry Acai flavor. That’s why the entree you’ll need to complete this savory journey is the only thing that is equally delicious.

Let me introduce you to the most mouth-watering, microwaveable, quasi-calzone taste sensation on the planet. It is the Barbecue Beef flavored Hot Pocket. Some people call them “stuffed sandwiches,” I call them 340 calories of nirvana. The secret is undeniably in the barbecue sauce, or the 25% of your daily recommended value of saturated fat each one of these babies is packing.

It’s that sweet tang in the Barbecue sauce, or as it’s called on the non-descript bottle making a token, blurry appearance on the packaging, “Bar-B-Q Sauce,” that dovetails off the Enhanced Water to make your brain melt. The beef in these things is probably cow-ass or worse, but it doesn’t matter when it’s wrapped in that fatty dough and slathered with the most delectable and blandly packaged sauce you’ve ever had.

Don’t listen to whiners who tell you Hot Pockets aren’t good for you and don’t listen to the geeks who think all Hot Pockets are created equally. Especially don’t listen to this hack who clearly got his culinary degree at the University of Faux-Hawk. I’ve tried pizza, and philly cheesesteak, and cheese quesadilla and even the iconic ham and cheese, but this is the best hottest pocket you can get in 1 and a half minutes.

The Hot Pockets will set you back $2-2.50, and don’t kid yourself, you’re going to be eating both. That brings the total on this masterpiece to $3.50, so you can eat this meal every day, and once you try it you’ll want to, because everything else will have the flavor of sadness.

There’s No Tasering in Baseball!

A lot of people are up-in-arms over the recent on-field tasering at a Philadelphia Phillies game. To summarize, a 17-year old jackass interrupted the Phillies game by running onto the field, and in response, a cop used a taser to bring him down. Some people are in favor of tasing as it has been responsibly tested on sheep on meth, other people call this excessive force that can kill people. Personally, I am against tasing baseball field invaders and I will outline my reasons.

I am a baseball purist, a traditionalist, if you will. I don’t like the Designated Hitter rule. I don’t like Interleague Play. I don’t think Alex Rodriguez should run across the mound like a dickhead. I think Barry Bonds deserves an asterisk. I don’t think pitchers should be ejected for throwing at batters, especially Alex Rodriguez and Barry Bonds.

So when I see some 17-year old degenerate (or the fat-ass copycat he inspired) running around the field, I want to see them tackled. I want to see the security guards drive him into the ground. I want to see him eat turf… awake. I want to see him get speared with a shoulder to the guts.  This teenager was wily, but he wasn’t Barry Sanders. It would’ve taken another 15 seconds to bring him down the old fashioned way, and we would’ve gained the entertainment value of a proper slobber-knocker.

Field invaders also provide an opportunity to showcase proper tackling technique. As you probably know, proper tackling is on the decline in sports and everyday life. People don’t know the fundamentals.  Security guards should be role models and teach children to stay low and above all, “wrap up.” That means to use your arms in bringing someone down and not just rely on the impact from a shoulder. Wrapping up is the single most important aspect of tackling. How do we expect our children to learn to tackle properly if they see grown-ups simply tasing each other? Answer: They Won’t.

We will end up with a generation of children who can’t tackle and that would be the greatest tragedy of them all. So I say, let’s keep the tasers off the baseball field. It’s for the children.