Apple is Run by Freemasons

I saw an Apple logo that I could’ve sworn I’d seen somewhere before… somewhere evil. Apparently, it’s the logo for the App Store, but I knew it from somewhere else.

The logo is a couple of writing implements crossed above a ruler forming the letter ‘A.’ Take a look at how closely it resembles the Freemason’s logo of a compass and square:

Not sure which is which? Supposedly, the blue one is for Apple and the white one is for world domination. They both symbolize evil. To clarify, the Freemasons are an evil secret society who manipulate politics, arcane artifacts, the weather and whatever else suits their greedy desires. Apple just makes phones that turn their owners into insufferable jerks.

What does it mean? Is Apple run by Freemasons? Or do they just aspire to infiltrate the lives of every man, woman and child on the planet using Freemason techniques? Either way, I instantly knew to be wary of this symbol and that’s no surprise. I’ve long been wary of Apple, Steve Jobs, iTunes (Here’s the Top 5 reasons iTunes sucks) and their nefarious products. The best selling song I’ve ever written is a song from my first album, Space Hell Sex Bunny, and it’s about how much iPhones suck.  I still think they suck. Have a listen:

How the Broncos Draft could Make Me Cry

It is a great time to be a Colorado sports fan. The Avalanche and Nuggets are in the playoffs and Ubaldo Jiminez of the Rockies just threw their first no-hitter. So what am I most excited about? Denver Broncos football as always! In fact, this Thursday, I’m going to L.A.’s Best and Only Broncos bar (Brennan’s Pub, the Home of Turtle Racing, a blog topic for another day) to watch them. What? The Broncos aren’t playing on Thursday you say? No they aren’t, but it’s the NFL Draft and when your team sucks, there’s no more important day than draft day. The first round of this year’s draft has been moved to “prime time” to compete with Desperate Housewives and the like…

Is it weird to drink and party while watching a bunch of rich white guys sit in sweaty “war rooms” and decide which recent college grads they want to pay millions of dollars to sling around a football? Is it wrong to read fake drafts made up by other weirdos? If it is, I don’t want to be right.

The best thing about the NFL Draft is that it involves all teams. You can’t even say that about game day, because the St. Louis Rams didn’t show up for any of their games last year. Zing! But seriously, the Draft is the one time of year when all teams can honestly say they are going to get better. After draft day, players will get hurt, arrested and/or shot at a rate that no other population sample on Earth can keep up with aside from freedom fighters in third-world nations. After the draft, teams can only get worse, except the Raiders, who would be better off hurt, arrested and/or shot.

The first night of the draft won’t involve Carolina and Chicago, because they are stupid and traded away their first round picks. The Bears’ pick went to the Broncos, which is good because the Broncos were stupid and traded their first-round pick in 2010 for a second-round pick in 2009. Read that again… yes, our coach has trouble with math. Not only that, he wasted the pick by drafting cornerback Alphonso “Completely-Ineffective” Smith. I call him that with love, because I hope it will motivate him to be “Slightly Effective.” The Broncos could be picking 11th AND 14th, but no…

Tthat means the Broncos will be picking 11th and by then, I’m sure Brennan’s will be good and drunk. The Official Drink is a Blue Moon with an orange slice… get it? BLUE moon and ORANGE slice. We’ll be too blitzed (get it?) to care who the team picks, but I have my sober preference: Rolondo McClain, inside linebacker from Alabama. Pundits worry that he may or may not have Crohn’s disease, which if you don’t know, is a disease that weakens your bones.  If he explodes into a misty ball of bone-dust, you can hit me with an, “I told you so.”  If they don’t pick him, it had better be because they are moving down, acquiring picks and drafting Mike Iupati, guard from Idaho. I am a firm believer in potato-based line play, because Boise State’s Ryan Clady has worked out so well at left tackle.

If the Broncos select trouble-plagued wide receiver, Dez Bryant from Oklahoma State, I will cry. If they use their first pick on any position other than linebacker, guard or defensive tackle, I will cry. If they trade an X-Round pick for an X+1-Round pick, I will cry. Because last year’s draft would’ve made me cry, but I decided to be strong, hold back the tears and assume that our new coach had some plan. If he doesn’t follow my suggestions this year, it means that he is insane. An insane rabid squirrel reigning terror on my beloved team that needs to go.

Check back on Friday to see if I cried. We now return you to your regularly scheduled MusiComedy.



Do not want

Calling All Zombies!

If you want to help out and have your voice to be heard on my new album, listen up…

Mixdowns for my new album, American Chipfunk, are nearly complete, but when I listened to it, I felt like it needed a sketch to break the songs up. I remembered an old screenplay I’d written that was mostly dialogue between four survivors of a zombie epidemic. You know I love zombies. If you don’t know how much I love zombies, have a listen to an older song about how much I literally love zombies:

<a href="">Zombie Mamacita by Rhune Kincaid</a>

I turned my old screenplay into a radio play. Y’know,  like the old-time radio show adventures from the 40’s like The Shadow. The sketch it includes my favorite part of any zombie soundscape, the ever-present Zombie Moan ™.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s a pretty scary sounding horde. But it could be scarier. That’s where you come in. If you are reading this, you are invited to be part of the horde. Just record yourself doing two minutes of your best zombie moan and send it as an attachment to In return, you’ll get a credit on the album and the satisfaction of knowing you were part of the best zombie moan of all-time. Don’t forget to include the name you want credited. Send them in by 11:59 pm on April 18th, 2010, or you’re just another shambling zombie with no direction.

Before you do, let me give a couple of tips on being a good zombie:

  1. 1. The most important thing you can do as a zombie is lose all inhibition. A laughing zombie is not a scary zombie.
  2. 2. Make it a *.wav, *.mp3 or *.aif in the highest quality setting you can.
  3. 3. It takes all kinds of zombies, moaners, gurglers, coughers, hackers, wheezers, bleeders, chokers and garblers to make up a horde, mix it up!
  4. 4. Don’t move around. Don’t get that into it. That messes up the recording, and it’s weird.
  5. 5. Decide whether or not you want people to think you’re crazy. I didn’t warn my roommates, I just set up the mic and went. I do that kind of thing a lot though, so they probably just thought my singing sounded worse than usual.
  6. 6. Try not to sound like Ludo from Labyrinth. We already have that covered.

Don't sound like Ludo, or he'll come beat his royalties out of you.

That just about covers it. Now get busy moaning!

Kick-Ass Jiggle-Fest

I cashed in my prize from placing in the the Kick-Ass talent contest and got to witness the Kick-Ass Girls Burlesque show produced by Lionsgate and Devil’s Playground. It was one of the better jiggle-fests I’ve been too, on par with the epic Lucha VaVoom and this place in Vegas we’ll say no more about except to say that it wasn’t really burlesque at all.  For a rating, I give the show a 32C.

Daisy Meadows’ turn as Pris from Blade Runner was my favorite routine of the night. The worst was definitely when the host of, Juan-Manuel Rocha, did a performance art piece with a camera. Courtney Cruz, who is the ringleader of this troupe, picked my favorite comic book vixen, the modern Silk Spectre from Watchmen. Also portrayed were Chun Li from Street Fighter (by Gia Rose), Cherry Darling from Planet Terror (by Olivia Bella Fontaine) and Wonder Woman (by the breastacular Lucy Fur). The boobariffic host, Mia Vixen, had also an impromptu jiggle. I don’t usually approve of improv, but I will let this one go.

I gained a promotional Hit-Girl t-shirt, and now I just need a Red Mist and Big Daddy t-shirt for a complete set of all four main character t-shirts. I’m not entirely sure what I just said, because I haven’t seen the movie or even read the book. Despite that, even I know that it is not OK to lust after Hit-Girl, because the character is 12-years old.  A representative from the L.A. Weekly (a publication best known for it’s poor spelling) was in attendance. She went on stage and said that the girls looked sexably hot in the Kick-Ass trailer. I yelled, “They’re underage,” and there was laughter. Normally, I don’t approve of heckling, but they spelled my name wrong.

Courtney Cruz as the Silk Spectre from Watchmen

Juan-Manuel Rocha's performance art piece

Me being me, y'know, like I do.

Dasiy Meadows as Pris from Blade Runner

The Ellay Weagly was in attendance.

Olivia Bella Fontaine as Cherry Darling

Courtney Cruz as the Silk Spectre

Gia Rose as Chun Li with Power Ranger

Lucy Fur as Wonder Woman

I’m in the L.A. Weekly… (and they spelled my name wrong)

The L.A. Weekly has an article about this week’s talent contest. Before you ask the embarrassing question… No. It doesn’t look like I’ll be winning the ass-kicking contest. Someone racked up about a thousand votes between 7 pm and midnight. Though I will not get to put 1st place on my resume, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I was not online stomping for votes on a Friday night. Before hitting the bars, I did adventure onto to find some new friends to vote for me, but all I saw were 47 penises, 6 boobs, 3 vaginas, 1 naked couple, 1 tiger and 1 dog.

It looks like I’m going to take 3rd place and win tickets to a Kick-Ass themed burlesque show though. You better believe I’m going, even if I have to take the 110. Naked dancing ladies is a pretty good consolation prize.

The best part about the L.A. weekly article, aside from spelling my name wrong, is that they’ve put up a picture of me singing. Singing is pretty much the time when I least want my picture taken. It looks good on video, but when you cut out a single frame, the singer either looks constipated, like they just smelled something awful or like a complete dick. In the picture in the L.A. Weekly, I look like I just smelled a constipated dick.

I thought it might be fun to do a retrospective of the worst pictures ever taken of me on stage, but it turns out, most of them have been deleted. Those that remain are still pretty bad. We’ll start this retrospective of bad singing pictures with a look I like to call, “Stinky Microphone Face.” It shows up in about 80% of the pictures taken of me. The rest are divided between”Yelling for no Reason Face” and “Confused by Myself Face.” As you can see in the last one, when I’m not singing I am all rock ‘n’ roll.